*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Buck naked
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet