“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know