Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
How funny!
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’m not stressed
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away