My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
shut up and take my money
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
All excellent questions