Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
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That’s not how days work.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
the three genders
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
just make the entire table out of coaster
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women