Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
You Might Also Like
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?