Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.