I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Goodnight 🐶
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Hard not to take this personally
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk