‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
getting groceries
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.