A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.