I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
something like this could probably happen to anyone
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Admin smashed it 😂
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
That’s no pocket rocket.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.