The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
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I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.