I’m crying im so happy for them
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.