Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.