There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I am also baked goods
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.