10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
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Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Home is where your toilet is.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere