I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
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Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.