The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole