Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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what do you want!!!!!!!!
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
#SuperBowl
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.