My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me :
All Day At Night
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”