Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*