I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
You Might Also Like
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
that lip filler tho
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
For the baby who has everything
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times