“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*