Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me as a therapist: omg same
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate