genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene