Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would