I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I can also cook 😂
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
john wicks are toilet candles
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
he looks great for his age
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle