Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
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When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.