[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.