home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.