I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
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If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Can Happiness buy money?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
ready to be harvested
I’d rather fork than spoon.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I think this should do it.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.