Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
good for her
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes