I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
i actually laughed 😩
2023 was just a warmup
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY