I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”