Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
forgive me baja for i have blast
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker