I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”