I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony