professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
$3 #books
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes