My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Lmaoo 😂
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Practicing safe sax
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working