Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?