Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
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*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
B
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”