donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
nice challenge
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection