I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
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My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I’m calling the cops.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks