[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?