English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
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my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
This took me a second..
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Looking at you, Jesus.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers