Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
You Might Also Like
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Saturday
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]