Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
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What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference