Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
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Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
They got a point!
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.