Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
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I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Strange
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain