The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts